Pity party and Catholic guilt

I have been home from the National Deaf Academy for six days and I'm faced with my old dilemma, I get depressed when I don't have a "kid" focus in my life.  I did better when I at least had a "kid" job but now I'm home, nothing what so ever to do with kids.  I've often asked "what's wrong with me?" because others my age (let's not go there!) look forward to the quiet and relaxation of retirement but not me.  I'm not done being a mom.  It actually never occurred to me when Christina was little and we were always busy with her and jobs that this would happen to me.  I can honestly say that I enjoyed all of the mom stuff.  Christina was a fun kid, she was interesting growing up.  I loved all of her interests and activities.  I truly enjoyed all the time I got to spend with her. I remember when we went to Salt Lake City for a skating competition and Christina and I stayed an extra day and went skiing in Park City. Even those couple of junior high years that weren't so fun for any of us, I tried to look at as a challenge. 

And she did exactly what kids do, grew up and went to college.  Again, she chose an interesting and fun place.  And we made the most of her being in DC and went as often as we could.  Even Grandma and Grandpa came for graduation on the Ellipse at the White House.

After college is different, not those long school breaks because it's time for a job.  No more cool "Parent's Weekends" at GWU.  No more month break at Christmas time.  I found myself feeling like I do right now, no kid at home, empty, sad and lost.

Then Kandi stopped over one day that fall after graduation and brought with her the little foster girl that she had that time.  As that little girl toddled around our house, I had one of those "light bulb" moments and we all know the rest of the Zainab story, so far. 

But now I have these empty days, my calendar that was filled with skating and gymnastics and speech and swimming is totally empty.  Not even a job.  I can come up with things to do but it just never feels the same. Don't even want to get up in the morning.  I have given up trying to figure out why I'm that way, I just am, it's ok that kids are my purpose.  Then the guilt creeps in, I still have my girls even though they aren't here.  My heart goes out to the parents in Norway who lost their children in the shooting so I should quit whining.  This is temporary and may be a life changing experience for Zainab  so I should "buck up" and quit sulking.  Well, maybe I can indulge myself and sulk and whine a little while longer.  I miss both my girls.

Swtiched at Birth or One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest

Z has been at the residential treatment program for deaf kids for a week now.  It all happened very fast once the agency at home decided to pay.  I am staying close by ( in the hotel right next door) to make sure she is ok.  The agency thought I was crazy when I insisted that I would not drop Z off and leave after a couple days. I had more orientation when we took Ch to college.  We had four days of parent orientation, granted some of that was wine tasting but the point was to make sure we were comfortable leaving our kids at the college.  I want to see that all those "mom" things are being done with Z, like brushing her teeth, combing her hair, clean clothes and matching clothes is a "biggy" for me.  That seems to be going just fine.  We had a rough start with her cochlear implants but now seem to have worked out the tech part.  I visit her a couple times a day and we watch part of her favorite videos and talk about what she's done that day. Their days are very structured and I'm learning the routine.  Staff is very nice and I'm finding out very quickly that I need more sign language.  It is very interesting being in a deaf environment, gives me just a glimpse of what it's like to be deaf in the hearing world.

We never tell Z ahead of time about up coming events, even fun ones, because she perseverates and it just ends in huge behavior problems.  Of course, she was thrilled about going on a plane and kept asking if we were going to Disneyland, going to see Aunt Sue, going to see the dolphins (Sea World), going to Grandma's?  O had said something the night before we left that helped me explain things to her. She said  not to tell her it's like the hospital because that is so negative for her.  Made sense to me, so I told Z that we were going to see a deaf school like Daphne on " Switched at Birth" and she kept asking if we were going to see Daphne.  I had to add that lots of deaf kids sleep at their school.  Thanks O, that helped alot. 

It's been ok, I've kept busy meeting everyone at the program.  I believe that the more the staff know me the better care Z will get.  I've even exercised in the tiny hotel workout room and did laps in the pool.  I look forward to our visits each day. Z seems good then lapses into being sad and asking if I can stay and sleep with her.  We made a joke that her new bed is too little and mom would fall out.  I try to be upbeat and ask everyone their "sign names" so Z learns everyones' names.  I thank the staff for what they are doing, I really do appreciate it.

The day I don't even want to think about is Thursday when I have to leave her and head home.  I remember the flight home from GW when I couldn't take off my sunglasses because my eyes were so red and swollen and it wasn't from the wine tasting.  Leaving your kids, there aren't words to describe..........

Old and New Places

June 25 was the 8th anniversary of the day I brought Z home from the shelter.  I recently drove near the shelter and thought about that day.  Now, those thoughts are all mixed in with the feelings about her leaving us and going to the National Deaf Academy.  And for me the feelings get all interwoven with old feelings about my sister going to the state hospital when she was 5 years old.  The emotions about how scary it was when Ch. was born and if we would have her very long are mixed in there.  And when Ch left for college, it did feel like I didn't have her for very long.  I know that Z going to residential placement is not permanent but it just feels like I don't get to have my kids for very long at all.

I don't know what Z remembers about the shelter or about the day she came home with us but I remember it clearly.  She was at the shelter about six weeks.  We had just gotten licensed to do foster care and she was one of the little girls they called me about.  They were looking for someone that knew ASL because she had no sign language at all.  I had always signed at school with my kids so I had the basics.  It's weird but I just knew it was suppose to be Z, didn't even really think about the other little girls.

 I have to say it takes more time to buy a car than pick up a child from a shelter.  They took me into a small conference room and I signed some papers.  Maybe ten minutes!  And they bring in Z.  She's tiny and dressed in a pink dress that's too big and shoes too big.  But it's obvious that the staff had tried to dress her up and fix her hair the best they could.  They handed me a plastic trash bag, the tiny bathroom size, with her belongings.  A couple pair of long pants, long sleeve tops, a washcloth, some socks, that's it!  I wasn't even told until we were leaving the shelter that she wasn't toilet trained, had to stop at Target on the way home and get diapers and a couple outfits and a pair of shoes.  We hit Nordstrom the next day at the "big Mall" as Z would soon call it.  The woman in the kid's shoe department was one of Z's biggest supporters for years and I guess we supported her also!

I will never forget how Z just took my hand and walked out to the car with me and home we went.  She didn't have any language to ask who I was, where are we going, was she coming back, she just held my hand.  She seemed happy to be at the house and we started learning signs that day.  "More" and "eat" are always good signs to start with.  She learned 100 signs the first month she was with us, I kept track on the refrigerator for the judge.  She learned 'bandaid" in those early days and we went through boxes of band aids that summer to keep that signing going.

I don't know if it was women's intuition or maternal instinct or whatever but I knew from the time I got the phone call about Z  that I would do whatever I had to do to keep her with us.  That three year battle to adopt her is another story.  Now we are faced with her leaving us to go to a residential treatment program for maybe a year.  I can't imagine what she will feel being left there and I can't imagine how I will come home without her.  I'm sad that she has to go to yet another new place. But this time she has a home to come back to, soon I hope!