Can't believe that it's been almost a year since I wrote but we are now on a journey within a journey.
The inspirational quotes on FB this morning are not helping, I have to go home tomorrow without Z. I hate an empty house, I hated our empty house when Christina left, now it's happening again.
Z is back at NDA in FL after spending a month at Phx Children's Hospital. I did not know that high ammonia levels can impact behavior. I know now after having police and paramedics take Z to the hospital because she was super violent in her room one night at home. Even though her Depakote levels have always been fine, her ammonia levels were high. Took awhile to figure it out and then she went through horrible detox off Depakote.
We were on the cancer floor because there are no psych beds for Z in the valley. I said more than once that I was envious of those parents especially when Z was in agony when Depakote was stopped. Cancer kids get a diagnosis, treatment and a prognosis and they get compassion that is often missing with mental illness. One day when she was crying for hours, I told the doctor that they would never let one of the kids with cancer suffer for hours like Z was.
If there was ever any question whether Depakote helped Z, we now have that answer and that is an overwhelming, yes! After the detox she is showing full blown mania that defines bipolar. The only place that is safe to find new medication for Z is back at NDA.
I'm not sure I can ever fully describe those weeks and the behind the scenes dealings with the ever frustrating mental health part of AHCCCS but exactly a month after being admitted we were on a very small jet heading to Florida. Those who know me, know I'm a Valium flyer but I got on that tiny jet thinking "it's amazing what people do for their kids".
I know it's the best place for her but I don't want to leave without my girl.
I am so sorry that Z has been so ill and all of the problems that all of you have endured. I hope she will be feeling better soon. I remember when Christina left and how you felt. I also remember when you and Dave first got Z. It has been a long journey for all of you. Of course my knowledge of events are only limited to what a Hair Stylist knows, so I don't and will never know the true impact of feelings and emotions that all of you are going through....but I do send my prayers to both You and Dave that Z will be able to find a peaceful and positive life and that you all will be able to experience more joy with each other in the future.
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