Pity party and Catholic guilt

I have been home from the National Deaf Academy for six days and I'm faced with my old dilemma, I get depressed when I don't have a "kid" focus in my life.  I did better when I at least had a "kid" job but now I'm home, nothing what so ever to do with kids.  I've often asked "what's wrong with me?" because others my age (let's not go there!) look forward to the quiet and relaxation of retirement but not me.  I'm not done being a mom.  It actually never occurred to me when Christina was little and we were always busy with her and jobs that this would happen to me.  I can honestly say that I enjoyed all of the mom stuff.  Christina was a fun kid, she was interesting growing up.  I loved all of her interests and activities.  I truly enjoyed all the time I got to spend with her. I remember when we went to Salt Lake City for a skating competition and Christina and I stayed an extra day and went skiing in Park City. Even those couple of junior high years that weren't so fun for any of us, I tried to look at as a challenge. 

And she did exactly what kids do, grew up and went to college.  Again, she chose an interesting and fun place.  And we made the most of her being in DC and went as often as we could.  Even Grandma and Grandpa came for graduation on the Ellipse at the White House.

After college is different, not those long school breaks because it's time for a job.  No more cool "Parent's Weekends" at GWU.  No more month break at Christmas time.  I found myself feeling like I do right now, no kid at home, empty, sad and lost.

Then Kandi stopped over one day that fall after graduation and brought with her the little foster girl that she had that time.  As that little girl toddled around our house, I had one of those "light bulb" moments and we all know the rest of the Zainab story, so far. 

But now I have these empty days, my calendar that was filled with skating and gymnastics and speech and swimming is totally empty.  Not even a job.  I can come up with things to do but it just never feels the same. Don't even want to get up in the morning.  I have given up trying to figure out why I'm that way, I just am, it's ok that kids are my purpose.  Then the guilt creeps in, I still have my girls even though they aren't here.  My heart goes out to the parents in Norway who lost their children in the shooting so I should quit whining.  This is temporary and may be a life changing experience for Zainab  so I should "buck up" and quit sulking.  Well, maybe I can indulge myself and sulk and whine a little while longer.  I miss both my girls.